you've tried 20 aesthetics in the last month and you still don't know yourself

do I have to drink matcha and listen to lana del rey to be interesting?

Some time ago I wrote a short piece defending the much-criticized "performative reading". I find it unfair to accuse people of reading certain books just for likes — especially based solely on their covers. People are quick to judge anyone reading Camus, Plath, or Dostoevsky as someone who probably doesn’t really understand the literature or who’s just using it as an aesthetic prop in a photo.

But what if it’s not about who you want to be — but rather who you feel like you have to be?

What if you’re drawn to certain types of content because you believe it’s the only way others will find you interesting? Whether it’s the faceless public online or your own inner critic telling you you’re not smart, thoughtful, or unique enough unless you check all the “right” boxes?

We all carry an idea of ourselves we’re trying to live up to. We express it through literature, fashion, music, passions — showing the world who we hope to be. But the problem begins when none of these things bring us any closer to ourselves — when we end up as a collage of trending aesthetics that don’t reflect who we actually are.

Becoming yourself is a process. You have to try things, quit things, change directions. You need to begin, end, fail, restart. Only then do you start to figure out what truly resonates with you — and what doesn’t. But often, we’re so focused on fitting into a certain mold that we lose touch with our own preferences.

Subcultures, aesthetics, and trends have always existed. The key is holding onto your individuality within them. We tend to take in everything — or nothing at all.

Remember the “that girl” era during the pandemic? Waking up at 5am, journaling gratitude, meditating outdoors, romanticizing life, makeup no makeup. The routine was nearly identical for everyone. But for many people, that lifestyle felt forced and frustrating. Their own schedule didn’t allow for it — and that made them feel like they were failing.

Worse still, some later admitted they were just ticking off tasks without meaning. Instead of finding a self-care ritual that truly worked for them, they followed every step — afraid that without it, they wouldn’t “fit” the aesthetic enough.

Right now, to be someone, it seems like you need to drink matcha, do reformer pilates, read Ottessa Moshfegh, and listen to Lana Del Rey. And there’s nothing wrong with exploring those things if you’re genuinely curious. Seeking comfort and identity is valid. But it’s the word “need” that’s the issue.

You feel like you need to participate — or you’ll be left out. Even if pilates bores you to death, or you only skimmed My Year of Rest and Relaxation. Because how can you be a girlblogger or a thoughtful daughter if you haven’t read The Bell Jar or watched Girl Interrupted?

To me, subcultures should connect us. Aesthetics should inspire us. And within all of that, there has to be space for individual interpretation. You don’t have to worship the fig tree metaphor. You don’t have to feel that Lana is the most nostalgic artist of our generation. You don’t need to binge Sofia Coppola films to prove you have taste.

Microtrends on TikTok have started dictating who’s in and who’s out. And so many of us just want to be someone. Sometimes we don’t even know who. We just don’t want to disappear. When something new starts trending — whether it’s a product, activity, or aesthetic — we want to join in. We want to feel like we belong to something. But when those trends change every few days, we eventually lose track of what we actually like. Do we genuinely enjoy something — or do we just like the validation that comes with it?

You don’t have to read books you don’t care about just to match a vibe. You don’t have to love films just because they’re “important” or critically praised. Instead, pick stories, aesthetics, routines that genuinely fascinate you. That’s how you grow. That’s how you build depth — not by ticking boxes, but by following curiosity. You don’t need to consume everything to belong. You need to start noticing what actually moves you.

What would you still love, even if no one else ever saw it? Imagine Instagram and TikTok vanished overnight. No one can see what you’re reading, wearing, watching. You can’t post it. You can’t check what’s trending. What would you choose then?

This is not an attack on anyone who seeks themselves in various aesthetics, content. It is a reminder that you don't have to like something just because social media has dictated it to you. You can have your own taste, you can be critical of things that are commonly liked, you can have no interest in them at all. Create yourself according to...yourself.

Discovering yourself is the best thing you can do, but it takes time.

Stop surrounding yourself with accounts that make you feel like you are constantly behind, like you are missing something. Ask yourself questions - who are you when no one is looking? When you're not talking about it and sharing with others? What does the version of you look like that you would like to be? Not the one that would look good on social media, but the one that would make you proud. Experiment without commitment - try things, but don't force yourself to make them define your personality right away. Romanticize what feels true to you, even if it doesn't fit into any aesthetic. Because it's in your own aesthetic. Keep something to yourself, have something of your own, private.

Yes, you're still smart, even if 1984 wasn't the most groundbreaking book for you. You can go for a run instead of doing pilates and matcha might taste disgusting to you. Trends pass, you stay, and with you the things that truly describe you. If something is not for you, just let it go. It does not take anything away from your intellect or personality. I'm writing this as someone who enjoys these things and thinks you're just as cool and interesting with or without them.

Thank you so much for reading and subscribing. Find me on tiktok, instagram, tumblr and pinterest.